You're a few months into a new relationship, and it's starting to look a lot like your old ones. You'd sworn you wouldn't date these types of people again. Emotionally unavailable, controlling, unpredictable, or whatever it may be. So why does it feel like you're repeating the same toxic pattern, just with a different person? 

To make one thing clear: It isn't your fault. It's usually not a reflection of "poor" judgment. As therapists, we're wary of any claims that you're somehow "attracting" toxic partners because it can feel like victim-blaming. Yes, your history may play a role in these patterns, but you can't take on all the blame.

You are not responsible for these partners' unhealthy behavior. And, at the same time, it is in your power to stop repeating these patterns and find the secure relationship that you deserve.

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Why do I repeat the same unhealthy relationship patterns with new people?

People don’t tend to find themselves repeating the same toxic patterns in relationships because they want to. It's not that you enjoy pain. Of course you want a healthy relationship, just like anyone else. 

But if you've been through toxicity and abuse before, then you may have subconsciously learned that this was "normal." That it was simply the cost of being in partnership.

Here are some things that may be keeping you stuck in these patterns with every new partner.

Familiarity and learned comfort

Familiar pain is often more comfortable than the unknown, even if it's possible the "new" thing will turn out better. That may be partly because of how your nervous system responds to unpredictability. 

Your nervous system doesn't only decide what's "safe" based on what is objectively safe or healthy for you. It also learns from experience. What you've lived through before can become familiar and predictable to your nervous system, even when the relationship itself is painful or unhealthy.

For example, you could be completely safe in the present moment, but something might remind your nervous system of a past trauma and trigger a danger response.

The reverse can also be true: a relationship dynamic that is actually unhealthy may feel familiar enough that your nervous system doesn't immediately treat is as a threat. This is one reason you can consciously know that you want something different while still feeling pulled toward the same patterns.

Attachment trauma

Relational trauma, especially during early childhood, can affect the way our nervous system responds to things like closeness or rejection. This means that repeating a pattern isn't always a conscious choice. You might logically know that a relationship isn't good for you while still feeling intensely attached to the person.

Sometimes, people also experience what's called trauma reenactment, or repetition compulsion. This is when you unconsciously recreate dynamics that are similar to earlier traumatic experiences. For example, if love was unpredictable when you were growing up, you might repeatedly become attached to partners who are hot and cold.

You're not deliberately choosing to relive your trauma. These patterns usually happen automatically, especially when your nervous system has learned to associate certain relationship dynamics with attachment.

Unresolved wounds from past relationships

Sometimes, there's an unresolved wound or an unmet need that plays a role. Repeating a relationship pattern can almost feel like another chance to finally get a different ending.

Maybe you couldn't get a parent to give you the attention you needed, but you believe that if you can finally get an emotionally avoidant partner to open up, you'll prove that you're worthy of love. Maybe a previous partner had a substance use problem, and you find yourself with someone else you desperately hope you can "save."

There's often an unconscious hope underneath these patterns: If I can finally get this person to love me differently, maybe I can heal what happened before.

What toxic relationship patterns can look like

Relationship patterns aren't always obvious, especially when each partner and relationship looks different on the surface. You may not realize you're repeating a pattern until you start paying attention to how you consistently feel or behave in relationships.

Some common repeating relationship patterns can include:

• Dating people who are unavailable for real commitment, either emotionally, legally, geographically, or otherwise
  
  
• Feeling intensely attracted to people who are inconsistent or unpredictable
  
  
• Repeatedly ending up in relationships where you're doing most of the emotional work
  
  
• Trying to rescue or "fix" your partners
  
  
• Ignoring red flags early in relationships because the connection feels so intense
  
  
• Staying in relationships long after you know your needs aren't being met
  
  
• Mistaking jealousy or emotional volatility for passion
  
  
• Feeling bored or uncomfortable when a relationship is stable and predictable

These are just examples. The most important thing to notice is if you keep repeating the same cycles and having the same painful feelings, even when the person you're with has changed.

What if you're the one repeating toxic behaviors?

Sometimes, it might not be that you're attracting the same type of partner. You might recognize that you're the one who keeps repeating the same patterns or behaviors with each new person.

For example, maybe you:

• Withdraw when you sense conflict

• Negate your own needs to please your partner

• Become intensely anxious or angry when your partner needs space
  
  
• Struggle to trust your partner, even when they haven't given you a reason not to
  
  
• Push people away when relationships start becoming more emotionally intimate
  
  
• Try to control situations when you feel afraid of being abandoned
  
  

It's an incredible first step to even recognize that you need to change your own behavior. 

This isn't about blaming yourself or deciding that you're the "toxic one." Some of the same reasons we've discussed above can apply to your own behavior, too. You may have learned certain ways of protecting yourself in past relationships that aren't helping you anymore.

How to break the cycle

Even if you've felt completely stuck, it is possible to break toxic relationship patterns. As a recent guest on our podcast said, "Awareness is the gateway to all change." Just the fact that you're reading this article demonstrates awareness, and is a brave first step.

Here are some things to consider. 

Work with a therapist

Therapy can help you understand why the same relationship patterns keep showing up, especially when they're connected to attachment wounds or traumatic experiences from childhood. A therapist can help you notice patterns that may be difficult for you to see on your own, including what tends to draw you in to begin with.

Therapy can also help you work on changing the underlying beliefs that may be keeping you stuck. Over time, you can learn to recognize unhealthy dynamics earlier and rebuild your sense of what safe, healthy connection looks like for you.

Get to the root

These patterns are coming from somewhere, and it's important to address the root. If these patterns are connected to early childhood or relational trauma, changing them often means addressing the attachment wounds underneath them. Experiences like emotional neglect, abandonment, inconsistent caregiving, or past relationship abuse can change how your nervous system responds when you feel vulnerable with someone.

Healing those wounds can help you develop a different relationship with attachment itself. Trauma therapy can give you space to process what happened and understand the ways you've learned to protect yourself (which may no longer be serving you). 

Consciously define healthy love

If you've spent years in unhealthy relationship cycles, you may need to consciously redefine what real love looks and feels like (or what you want it to look like). 

Think about the qualities you want a healthy relationship to have. Then, instead of basing dating decisions only on how intensely you feel about someone, pay attention to how closely the relationship aligns with those values.

It may take time and healing for you to actually feel drawn toward your definition of "healthy." Consistency might initially feel less exciting than unpredictability. Having space from each other might feel threatening if you're used to abandonment. The goal is to feel safe and attracted in these healthier dynamics over time.

Work together on your relationship

Not every repeating pattern means that you need to end your current relationship. If your relationship is safe and your partner is willing to work with you, you may be able to change these dynamics together, especially if you're both stuck in repeating patterns.

Couples therapy can help you identify the pattern as something you're caught in together rather than treating either partner as the "problem." 

This doesn't apply to abusive relationships. Couples therapy generally isn't recommended when there is ongoing abuse, manipulation, or control. Your safety should come first.

Sign up for our online relationship course led by therapists

You deserve a happy, fulfilling, healthy relationship. If you want more support changing the patterns that keep showing up in your relationships again and again, Relationship Academy can help. This online relationship course and community is led by Thrive's licensed couples therapists. We give you practical tools to better understand yourself within the context of your relationships and build healthier patterns that last.

Try Relationship Academy free for 7 days and see if it feels like a good fit.

Cayla Gensler, LPC

Cayla is a licensed couples’ therapist who specializes in helping individuals and couples with issues like codependency, communication issues, and loss and grief. She is highly trained in emotion-focused therapy (EFT), an evidence-based method for couples. You can work with Cayla through couples intensives, monthly workshops, or Relationships 101 groups.