Lack of intimacy can be one of the hardest things to talk about in a relationship, no matter how long you've been together. It can be a vulnerable conversation to have. For some people, it can bring up shame.
But the longer you avoid talking about lack of intimacy, the bigger the problem tends to become. Having an honest conversation can help you understand what each of you needs to feel connected again.
Here's how to talk to your partner about lack of intimacy in a way that feels productive and healthy.
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Intimacy is about more than just your sex life
First of all, we want to clarify what we mean when we talk about "intimacy."
Often, people equate intimacy with sexual intimacy. Your relationship could be affected by differing sexual needs. One partner could have a higher sex drive than the other. You might be concerned that you never have sex anymore and are headed toward a sexless marriage.
Sexual intimacy is absolutely one form of closeness. For many couples, it's important to talk about sex and maintain a healthy sexual relationship. If there are big changes in sexual desire or activity, that could be a sign of underlying disconnection.
But there are other types of intimacy, too, and they matter just as much. For example, emotional intimacy is the feeling that you can be vulnerable with your partner and trust them with your inner world. Physical touch that doesn't lead to sex can also be intimate. You might feel close through cuddling or holding hands. Intimacy can also grow through shared experiences and meaningful conversations.
All types of intimacy are important. And any type of intimacy can become a source of pain when it disappears.
How to talk to your partner about lack of intimacy
Many people find it difficult to initiate the conversation about intimacy with their partner. It could be because you're afraid of getting rejected. These conversations often require a lot of vulnerability. There can also be some shame involved, especially if one or both partners struggles with performance anxiety.
Here are some tips for navigating these honest conversations with your partner.
Don't avoid it
Talk with your partner about how you're feeling directly. You don't need to bring it up every time you feel disconnected, but it deserves a real, honest conversation. Your partner may not realize how much the issue is affecting you, especially if you've been trying to hide your feelings. Talking about it gives both of you a chance to understand what is happening rather than making assumptions about each other.
Talk about your needs without blaming
It can be easy for resentment to build up when there's a lack of intimacy in your relationship. You might feel like your partner doesn't want you anymore or isn't making your relationship a priority. By the time you finally talk about it, your hurt might come out as criticism or blame.
Find a way to express your needs without attacking or telling your partner what they're doing wrong. You might say, “I miss feeling close to you, and I'd like to talk about how we can reconnect.” This keeps the focus on what you need, not what your partner is lacking.
Acknowledge other forms of intimacy
Especially if you're struggling with sexual intimacy, try to remember other ways you and your partner feel close. Think about whether you've become disconnected in a more general sense, or still feel emotionally close despite differences in sexual desire.
If affection and emotional closeness are still present, the problem may be more specific to sex. If you feel like you're drifting apart in other ways as well, you may need to explore what has changed in the relationship overall. Either way, understanding what's really going on can be important.
Consider timing and location
You might feel most frustrated after another night in bed without intimacy, and that can be when all of the resentment starts pouring out. But bringing up the issue in that moment can make your partner feel pressured or put on the spot. It may also make it harder for either of you to talk without becoming defensive.
Choose a private time outside the bedroom when you're both relatively calm. Let your partner know that you want to understand each other and work toward a solution together. Don't try to demand sex or force an immediate solution.
Find a couples therapist
A couples therapist can help you talk about intimacy in a neutral space, without the conversation turning into a blame game. Therapy can also help you identify what's going on beneath the disconnection. For example, is there an unresolved conflict or betrayal that's getting in the way? Do you experience closeness in fundamentally different ways?
A certified sex therapist may be especially helpful when the concern involves sexual desire or performance anxiety. Therapy should never pressure either partner into sexual activity. The goal is to create enough safety for both of you to talk honestly about your experiences and decide what a satisfying intimate relationship looks like for you.
Why avoidance can make intimacy issues worse
With hard conversations like these, it can sometimes feel easier to just sweep the issue under the rug. You might hope that if you just stay quiet and wait, then physical and emotional intimacy will naturally come back into your relationship.
But usually, avoiding the topic only makes intimacy problems worse.
When neither of you talk about what's happening, both of you might make assumptions and come up with your own explanations. One of you may interpret the lack of intimacy as rejection. You assume your partner is no longer attracted to you. The other might be avoiding closeness because they feel pressured. Both of you start to feel resentful.
Avoidance can also increase shame. The longer intimacy goes unaddressed, the more emotionally loaded the topic becomes. A hug or sexual invitation can start to feel like a test of the relationship. The longer you stay silent about it, the worse you feel.
Get intensive couples therapy in Phoenix and Glendale
If you and your partner are struggling with intimacy — no matter what type — our couples therapists are here to help. You shouldn't keep avoiding the conversation, but you also don't need to try to fix things on your own.
Thrive Therapy offers intensive couples therapy in Phoenix and Glendale, with online couples therapy available for Arizona residents. Our therapists can help you talk openly about intimacy and understand the patterns keeping you disconnected. It's possible to feel close again.
Written by Cayla Gensler, LPC
Cayla is a licensed couples’ therapist who specializes in helping individuals and couples with issues like codependency, communication issues, and loss and grief. She is highly trained in emotion-focused therapy (EFT), an evidence-based method for couples. You can work with Cayla through couples intensives, monthly workshops, or Relationships 101 groups.
